First, even though we are called to forgive we have to ask ourselves an important question. Will we let our pain hang on to our hearts, where it will eat away our joy? Or will we use the miracle of forgiving to heal the hurt that maybe we did not deserve? Understanding, that forgiveness is not forgetting something that was done wrong to you or saying that it is ok for it to happen again. It is not even synonymous with trust or reconciliation. This forgiveness is for you, allowing you to release them (the offender), to the Lord and allowing God to forgive them through you. Let go of the feeling of responsibility of thinking those condemning thoughts that are so destructive and that communicate “I'll make you sorry for what you did”.

It is important to remember that Christ died to forgive our sin of rebellion (Eph 4:32).

Our ability to forgive and to extend grace to others is directly related to the degree by which we have personally experienced the same. Once you know that without question, Christ forgave you, while you were still a sinner, you will know that you have the capacity to do the same for yourself and for others.

Also, take into consideration that the offender does not need to ask for forgiveness, or even want it. Yes, it is easier in circumstances where repentance is present and there is a mutual want of forgiveness to occur, but unfortunately this is not always the case. However, in all cases, we need to affirm Gods truth about the offender who may be your spouse. He or she is already completely forgiven, deeply loved and totally accepted by God. Reminding ourselves of this, though sometimes not easy, can change our condemning perspective and attitude to one of love and eventually a desire to help. This is not usually something that happens overnight, it takes time and lots of prayer. Holding onto bitterness and unforgiveness will never bring peace or joy. But believing in God's truths will and can help you to love this person just as God loved us (1John 4:11), forgive him or her just as God has forgiven us (Eph 4:32), and accept him or her just as God has accepted us (Rom 15:7). This does not mean that we tolerate, make excuses or even forget faults or failures of others. We continue to see and remember them, but we do not lavish upon them. Our response to them can change over time from condemnation to one of compassion. As you grow in Christ and find your significance in Him, the sins of others will become less of a threat and we feel less of a desire to punish them.

If you think that you have forgiven someone, but you can still come up with an excuse to the question of “Why did I forgive him or her?”, then you may not have truly forgiven.

You may have just excused it. Rationalizing is not forgiving and it will probably result in roadblocks in your relationship in the future. By truly releasing it to God, allows the Holy Spirit to put an immeasurable peace in your heart by taking the weight of resentment, bitterness, anger and fear off your shoulders.

If you are reading this because you are in a situation where you are struggling with forgiving, I can tell you that I can feel your pain. I have written this because I have experienced it firsthand. Forgiving my husband for all of his lies and adulteress affairs was an extremely difficult task. My own strength and will was not enough to get me to where I am now. I had to pour myself into Christ allowing Him to give me the strength and discernment. At that time my pride did not want to let go of the hurt. In the beginning I felt that Bill had to “pay” for his sins. Over time, I began to realize that this was true, but it was not my responsibility to figure out the how and when he was to pay. I had to understand and believe that any judgment or consequences were to come from Jesus Christ. My responsibility was to release it to God and continue to grow closer to Christ and to trust Him to lavish His love and guidance upon me. The Holy Spirit revealed to me that making this marriage work would require me to forgive. And by not doing so, would result in robbing myself of seeing what God could do in my husband and our marriage. Who was I to say that God was not powerful enough to change the heart of my husband or my unforgiving heart at that time?

The result of praying and seeking God diligently was a powerful trust in God to know that whatever the circumstances arise in the future, whether good or bad, I would be in the tenderest care of the Lord. And if need be, He would always be there to wipe my tears. Regardless of the outcome, my discernment told me that for my sake and for my relationship with God, forgiveness was necessary. So even though difficult and what seemed to me to be impossible, I chose to forgive my husband. God is forever faithful.

I truly believe that God rewards our obedience with the irony of thankfulness in times of trial (James 1:2-3). I have grown tremendously in my walk with Christ through this experience and one of the most awesome blessings has been the ability to fall in love again with the Christ I see in my husband.

Here are a few of the scriptures that were quoted above.

1John 4:11
Dear friends, since God loved us, we also ought to love one another.

Ephesians 4:32
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just and Christ forgave you.

Romans 15:7
Accept one another, then, just and Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

James 1: 2-3
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

Matthew 6:14-15
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men of their sins, you Father will not forgive your sins.